Law School, Schmaw School: I could totally be a lawyer

I could totally be a lawyer. Anybody who watches TV knows that an objection can be prejudicial, grossly prejudicial, argumentative, badgering the witness, and leading the witness. It's only after years of dedicated viewing that you know the finer points of lawyering:

"He's doing an end run around Miranda!"

"So were you lying then or are you lying now?"

"How does that get justice for the victims?"

"Sidebar, your Honor?"

"Goes to credibility!"

"I don't want this to turn into a battle of the experts."

"If what he says checks out, I'll take the death penalty off the table."

"Have you been offered a deal for this testimony?"

"Permission to treat as hostile, your Honor?"

"Objection, is there a question here?"

"Seems to me, [Witness], you had as much motive as anybody to see [Dead Person] dead!"

"Redirect, your Honor?"

"Isn't that what you said in your sworn statement to the grand jury?"

"Isn't that what you told the police?"

"Did you murder [Dead Person]?"

"And do you see that person in the courtroom today?"

"Withdrawn!"

"I'll rephrase."

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, don't you let 'em."

Then after a few years of doing that I would be promoted to judgery. Judges say different things, like:

"Sustained. Answer the question, son."

"So ordered."

"Approach."

"Order, order! I will have order!"

"I seem to remember there was a plea bargain on the table."

"Careful, counselor."

"I'll allow it. But tread lightly, Mr. [Lawyer]."

"You can't change course mid-stream."

"I'm not granting a mistrial!"

"I'm going to give you some latitude here."

"Bailiff, remove that man!"

"Control your client, Mr. [Lawyer]."

"The jury will disregard that last remark."

"IN MY CHAMBERS!"

"I have no choice but to declare an immediate mistrial."

"You are free to go, Mr. [Bad Guy], with the court's apologies."

Really the only thing I can't do is court reporter. They type fast.