Planned Parenthood, the Sign Lady, and Me

For me the standard annual gynocological exam is a pain in the butt in more ways than one. My insurance only covers about 4 gynocologists, and they all seem to be in Virginia. I finally found a guy in Friendship Heights and went there for 2 years. When I called to make an appointment this year, I found out his practice had moved to Ashburn, Virginia. I’d have to rent a car and take a day off work!

I knew Planned Parenthood had a clinic a few blocks away because I went there once, back before Plan B was available over the counter (as my boy Jesus would say, before you throw that stone, you can shove it up your ass), so in a rare burst of optimism I called to see if they would take my insurance. They didn't, but they charged on a sliding scale, so I should be able to pay for it myself. I almost did a cartwheel.

On my way in I passed I lady waving a sign that said, “End Abortion,” on one side and “Close This Clinic” on the other. She said something that I barely heard. I just ignored her. Everyone knows you can't talk to these people. It's pointless and it's exactly what they are dying for you to do. I went through security and signed in.

There were about 8 people ahead of me on the sign-in sheet.

I went to get lunch and gave Sign Lady the nod on the way back in. There was still a crowd of about 30 people in the waiting room. Half of them were women who looked to be about my age, all wearing skirts, button-up shirts, and flip flops strikingly similar to mine. The rest were men! I figured they were waiting for their girlfriends, but in the course of the afternoon, 4 men were called back for appointments. My guess is they were there for standard STD testing or something, but I really don’t know.

I saw a lot of patients come and go because my appointment was 1 hour and 45 minutes late. I am not a person who takes that kind of thing well, but this staff was busting their ass. There was a Nurse Practitioner to do the "doctoring"; a lady who ran the front desk, did intake, took medical histories, and handled payments; a woman in a suit who sat in the office doing something that she was very worried about; and 2 phlebotomist/assistant types. They were moving as fast as they could the entire time. Front Desk Lady apologized and kept me updated on where I was in line so often that I started to feel bad for her. She was an attractive black woman in her late thirties who was wearing gold hoops with her immaculately ironed pink scrubs. It was completely out of character, but I was totally fine with the delay. At least it wasn’t the whole day, and Front Desk Lady had kind of awed me into silence.

Finally, she took me back to the exam room (the phlebotomists whisked by, each with a patient), took my history, and gave me the gown. Less than 5 minutes later the NP came in. She did all the usual stuff and sent me to the phlebotomist, who did what she needed to do and dispatched me back to the Front Desk Lady, who raised her eyebrow at my insurance card and then made copies of like, everything, saying, "No news is good news. Give it 2 weeks. Have a nice day."

Well, okay. Pleasure doing business with you.... And thank you.

As I headed outside, I realized somebody else had been there all afternoon. The woman and her sign. She was an older woman, clearly retired (no doubt receiving Social Security and Medicaid), with perfectly coiffed gray hair, nice clothes and makeup. I did not have on nice clothes and makeup. She seemed like a nice lady, maybe a little loony out there by herself, a stylish grandmother with a picket sign. She also looked like somebody who could go to the doctor any time she wanted and have it be paid for. That may not be true. Perhaps she, like me and my peers and the dudes in the clinic, was thrilled to death l to wait an hour and 45 minutes to see a Nurse Practitioner.

I decided to ask her.

Yep, against all reason I spoke to the Crazy. I was pretty frazzled, so when I saw that “End Abortion/Close This Clinic” sign I just snapped. Also, I really wanted to know.
“Have you ever been inside a Planned Parenthood?”

She said, “No, I firmly believe that abortion is murder.”

Now, that clinic consisted of a waiting room, 2 exam rooms, a bathroom, and a phlebotomy “area” with a lot of stuff – organized stuff, but stuff – stored in there. Not to mention one nurse practitioner -- no MDs -- on duty. If they were doing abortions in there, I don’t know where they were doing them, who was doing them, or how any of them would have time (although I don’t doubt that Front Desk Lady could juggle that, too, if she had to).

To her credit, Sign Lady let me say an entire sentence before breaking in.

I said, “You know, they provide a lot of other services besides abortion.”

She replied, “Yes, but abortion is their main thing.”

I walked away while she put on a little show for all the passersby. I cried. I’m not kidding. I cried because the truth is, Sign Lady has actual power. She probably belongs to a huge church, listens to the vast network of conservative radio hosts, gives tons of money to Anti-Planned-Parenthood, Inc., pesters her senators and God knows what else. If she had ever been inside, she would know that this clinic’s “Main Thing” is provide basic services to people like me, while my insurance company flips me off on a daily basis. But she has no clue. She has all the power and absolutely no clue.

I went back to my office and donated $10 online to Planned Parenthood and wrote a check for $190 to CareFirst for my monthly premium. I was really angry. But I still just sat around watching TV all week, instead of -- I don't know -- getting out there with a sign of my own. If I don't do something, I'm just letting Sign Lady win. It could very easily happen. I don’t know what’s happening in Congress, but I do know that if that Front Desk Lady ever decides she wants to make more money with more help in a better work environment, we're screwed.

And there's not a damn thing I can do about it.