Dave, listen, I used to run a non-profit. I can wring water from stones… Well, that’s why you brought me in, to show you how it’s done… Ha ha ha, you’re hilarious, really… But seriously, the priority with this one is to raise $X million without raising rates, right? I can find you $X million in 45 minutes. I mean, this budget is 18 pages of ...
Well, first off, why does Chris need an executive assistant and an administrative assistant? I mean, Carol’s a machine, she does most of June’s work anyway…. Well, I never see her at her desk…. No, we do need them, our work-flow is constant throughout the year…. Let’s revisit that, ok? And I think we should consolidate secretaries.... Absolutely. Just because you’re a VP does not mean you need a secretary, I can tell you that from personal experience… No, I say one secretary per division…So if things get backed up we bring in a temp around year-end. Kelly is so desperate for our business, we could probably pay them in animal crackers. Why do we have X goddamn VPs anyway?... All right, all right, hands off that one…Here, everybody gets a temp budget, see?
Except Legal. What the hell are they doing -- you're telling me Randolf & Heard billed us X00 hours last year? Why do we even have a legal division? They’re all attorneys, for Christ’s sake, why are they bringing in attorneys at $300 an hour? $450 an hour? Jesus, Dave, what are we running here, a law school?...
Yeah, and I think we should put the audit out there, too. I know, but we’ve been using them for 5 years and they’re just going through the motions at this point… Because they’re supposed to be auditing us, Dave… $X million is reasonable. On the low side, but reasonable…Because you don't decide "Undercover Boss," Dave! And I'm not sure you even get paid anything...
Whoa -- Karen’s doing 8 campaigns again next year? Somebody needs a reality check. Eight separate campaigns! Jesus, and all those brochures she’s got stashed everywhere? ... For one thing, she starts from scratch every single time... I think we should look at which campaigns have been most effective in the past and bring those back. That saves on creative hours. And no more creative consultants for Karen! She has a graphic designer on staff, what the hell is he doing?... We should find some way to re-use this stuff we have left over, too – I don’t want to see 12 boxes of 16-page glossies sitting downstairs by Karen’s desk, ever again.
Here’s what we tell the staff: One, we are not paying out for vacation time. Use it or lose it. And we’re not getting new copiers this year -- scratch that one right out… By the way, the winning cost-saving idea was Meredith’s... Yeah, if you shake the cartridge it will last another 50 – 100 copies.... You know, Dave, some people think “Every little bit helps" ... The idea came FROM the people, Dave! What are they gonna do, walk? They’re holding on to their jobs for dear life like everybody else… Right, like you, sure…Once we do the first round of layoffs nobody will say a word…Yes, layoffs... Well, I would start with VPs...
Then let’s get every single goddamn VP in here and tell them they have to downsize 1 position… Let them figure it out, what are they getting paid to do? Everybody’s team could use tightening, I’m sure… Oh come on, think back to your team-leader days, there is always a weakest link… I don't like it, either Dave, but would you rather piss off X number of employees or X million subscribers?... You're going to have to make some tough choices..
Except for the holiday party, that's an easy one... I’ll tell you what we do, we do like every other goddamn company in the Northeast/Atlantic and have it here… Catering? No… Get Meredith and what’s-her-name to organize a potluck, they’ll be all over that…. I don’t know, Dave, you take ‘em to lunch and you ask ‘em. They’ll be yours for life. … Because that’s the sort of thing I notice, Dave, I’m a people person… and a woman – ha ha!... I take it back, I take it back!... We can even provide beer, wine, and punch, and boom! You’ve got a Christmas party… Holiday party, sorry… No more going to the Marriott and everyone getting drunk and laid at company expense… You know what I mean...
Hello! another easy one, no more coffee, tea, hot chocolate in the break rooms. What are we, at church?...
Quit bitching, Dave, it's 1 lunch, 2 hours of your time…If you had any idea what I do around here...
Maintenance can do the bathrooms everyday, and the whole place every other day, nobody will even notice… Get that guy Phil to organize an office clean-up ... The one who’s always bitching about going green…. Have him set something up, like, I don’t know, everybody has to do x,y, or z before they leave…. I’m not saying you have to do it that way, I’m brainstorming…
No, let's talk about the executive retreat, because that goes up every year... Chartering a jet to Cancun? For ALL those VPs? ... Well, Beth has that huge place in Martha's Vineyard, why not go there? And charter a bus. Why are you looking at me like that?...
You're really going to hate this one, then -- leasing an executive fleet? I cannot justify that. … For one thing, you’ve got X fucking executives! They’re all getting car privileges, all the time? Nope, cross it right out… Sure, sure… Okay, X vehicles, okay? X vehicles, X drivers -- for you, me... Yes, me. I have to go to Regional twice a month, those people can't cope on their own... you, me, Hartson, Jean, Barry and whoever takes Oversight…Pharmaceuticals, fine… God, don’t get me started, that one’s on you, my friend.
Oh, for the love of… Dave, stop. Fine. I’ll take them to lunch. But you owe me.
Sure, I’ll see you tomorrow… You’ve got Sales at 10 a.m. and please don’t forget, we’ve already rescheduled twice…. I’m just going to finish up your PowerPoint and send a fax and I’m headed home. Listen, Janie’s off tomorrow, so I’m on snail-mail, ok? Snail-mail goes through me tomorrow, if you can please try to remember that… Dave, turn your office light off, please! Reception doesn’t have to do everything, you know.
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