Walking around North Dupont tonight, I saw dogs lined up right alongside the bicycles. Parked there, waiting for their supposed best friends. The little guy was hoarse but still barking, while one of the big guys was starting to freak out, too. The third one was tied super close to the railing, so close that he couldn’t move much. But he hadn’t been trained to sit still; so he was struggling and jerking his head.
And this is North Dupont? Home of the Enlightened & Tolerant White Progressives – among whose ranks I proudly count myself, even though I live on Capitol Hill. North Dupont and I are on the same page except for a few things. One, there’s the “Stop Bitching. Start a Revolution” folks who stand around in black T-shirts that say “Stop Bitching. Start a Revolution.” Occasionally I point out to one of them that what they are doing there, standing around, is effectively bitching and not starting a revolution.
Two, I think it makes more sense for society to abolish marriage and embrace the “domestic partnership” than vice versa. Marriage as an institution has deteriorated in direct proportion to the extravagance of the average wedding. Weddings are fun, and great photo opportunities, but divorces are decidedly neither. The Wedding Industry may have replaced the Auto Industry in terms of power, but divorce seems to leave everyone financially devastated. And make no mistake -- gay marriage comes with gay divorce. It’s a “package deal,” like a single mom on a date. I hope you’re ready to buy a car seat for someone else’s kid.
But North Dupont in general? I love it. I go to the Hair Cuttery there and the tanning bed there. And if I am anything, I am an Enlightened & Tolerant White Progressive. I am also a person who cries at those polar bear commercials and treats her Kitty like a roommate who pays rent (which she definitely does not).
I was shocked to see a Doggie Parking Lot there in North Dupont, in front of the Sweet Grass (or whatever it’s called) organic frozen yogurt and (I think?) salad place. Starbucks trading fairly across the street, while these dogs suffer on the sidewalk?
When did walking the dog become synonymous with running errands? Is it some kind of hip, trendy thing? Is it okay to get a dog if you don’t have time to walk it? Is it something New Yorkers do? Because if New Yorkers do it, they should be ashamed of themselves. They know they set the standard for White Coolness. They should be a little more responsible about it.
Yes! I lay the responsibility for the Doggie Parking Lot on Manhattan’s storied doorstep! North Dupont, my friends, you have been led astray. Patrons of Whole Foods on 14th Street, you, too, are victims of these hoity-toity Doggie-loving Brooklyn hypocrites!
Now that that’s settled, I can’t decide if the Doggie Parking Lot is an outrage or a business opportunity. God knows the job market is killing me right now, and what’s a parking lot without an attendant? The Doggie Attendant would be a hybrid of the parking attendant and the bathroom attendant, because I would provide water and treats for the dogs, while interacting sort of invisibly with the public, and there would be a tip jar, which some people would honor and others would ignore. The bathroom attendant is second only to the homeless person in eye-contact avoidance. Some people would slink away, while others would slip me a dollar. I could even make a T-shirt that says “Life is Ruff!” and hang a sign on the (inevitable) tree. “Doggie Attendant.” I could put a water bowl in the (inevitable) little fenced-in flower bed around the (inevitable) tree.
Sitting here, now, cozy with my cat and my laptop and my Law& Order reruns, I envision myself conducting a Great Doggie Attendant Experiment on Saturday and then writing about it.
Okay, so I already bought the poster board.
If the Great Experiment doesn’t pan out, I’ll make a bunch of signs that say things like, “It’s a Chihuahua, not a Choice” and “Life is Ruff! Be a pal.” I always pause to comfort doggies in distress. When their thoughtless owners wander back, I give them Meaningful Looks. Now I’ll also hang up signs. Basically I’ll stop bitching and start a revolution. Feel free to help me. I think our best bet for the signs is, “A dog is not a bike. Don’t park your dog.” But if you decide to do a T-shirt, go with “Life is Ruff!”
That is just catchy.
