The Only Child's Manifesto

Being an only child has an upside.

Sure, I'm spoiled. My mother never had any money, but in her single-parent exhaustion she was more than happy to acquiesce to my demands. We alternated between spaghetti and shake-n-bake for dinner until my mom remarried when I was 9. When it was time to play, my mother delighted in whatever ideas I had, whatever games I came up with, and everything I had to say. Add to the usual danger of an only child never having to accommodate what anyone else wants to do my mother's overriding desire not to "crush my spirit." She didn't. My mom found it easier to pick up after me than to make me pick up after myself, so that's how we rolled. And I have had a hell of a time in adult life. I have spent my 20s struggling with the huge gap between my academic accomplishments and my total inability to take care of myself. I have been fortunate enough to have friends who would tell me I had to make concessions to the group or get lost. I have spent most of my life completely oblivious to my impact on other people. It's been an uphill battle that I am only starting to win.

But I do have spirit. If I wanted to wear one pink sock and one green sock to school, my mother thought that was great. As a result, I have a unique personal style, and while shopping my girlfriends sometimes say wistfully, "Oh, well, YOU could pull that off, but I never could." If I'm happy with how I look, screw it. (Again, this has had some downsides, as you might imagine.) I have no trouble going to a movie, a party, or a bar by myself. I often prefer hanging out by myself and even went on vacation alone once -- by choice. There is no such thing as lonely. There is freedom from the nuisance of everybody else. 

As a spoiled child, I do not like to hear that I can't do something. My refusal to take no for an answer is a big part of my personality and has significantly impacted my life. I am a closer. You need that person at the table sometimes. I founded a non-profit, and every new challenge just made me more determined to achieve what I set out to do. I spent my childhood reading on the couch while my mother yelled at me to clean the bathroom and then gave up. I have read a lot. I made perfect grades. I love to spell and learn and study. It is my natural state of being. 

My mother didn't do me any favors, but my upbringing made me who I am today. And, at the age of 30, I am finally able to do the laundry without crying. As the executive director of a non-profit, I am learning that people like it when you are "nice" to them. Rather than imposing my will on everybody else, my biggest challenge now is to meet everybody as equals and figure something out -- start to finish -- together. I will probably always be learning the lessons that you don't even realize your brothers and sisters taught you. As a result, I will be frustrated, overwhelmed, and me.